Getting Real about an Enemy Wish-List
Sunday List #9
A while ago, during a conversation I was having with a friend, we were talking about a super awkward situation that her friend had experienced. I can’t remember the specifics — something about witnessing a 13-minute solo dance routine by the bride at a wedding reception — but I do recall her saying how cringey and uncomfortable her friend had felt, and how she wouldn’t wish that kind of circumstance on her worst enemy. The conversation moved on to other topics, but my mind couldn’t move past what had happened to that girl, and how my friend wouldn’t wish it on her worst enemy.
Later, I became angry. I am still angry, because I would have loved to bestow that experience on my worst enemy. I remember thinking, “I actually think that would be a perfect instance for my worst enemy to go through.”
Much like last week’s Sunday List, I want to talk about another instance of stretching a term to the point of ridiculousness. We have lost sight of what we actually would and would not wish on our worst enemies, in my opinion. This is our worst enemy we are talking about, here. The person that we have been done the dirtiest by, the person we hope to never see again, the person that we talk to our therapists and close friends about. And yet, we so commonly now use the phrase to merely define the height of our desire to not experience an uncomfortable situation.
Now, let’s clear some things up. A circumstance that would leave permanent trauma, cause serious hardship or pain, or induce poor mental health or consequences? Fine. Of course not. I would not wish any of those types of occurrences on the person I find the most poisonous in my life. We are not evil or spiteful to the point of extreme unkindness. At least, I’m not. You can speak for yourself. But a little awkwardness? A tinge of discomfort? A dash of annoyance? A serving of embarrassment? Hell, I would love to wish those feelings upon my worst enemy. Those instances sound like the perfect thing to wish on someone who we personally feel the most negativity towards out of everyone else in our lives. We need to take back using “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy” to describe an event that we simply wouldn’t enjoy, because if we sat down and had a longer think, I’d argue that most of the time, what we’re talking about would be reasonable and maybe even entertaining to serve whoever tops our sh*t list.
So.
Dear, My Worst Enemy (you know who you are),
Below are some things that I, personally, wouldn’t mind wishing upon you. Nothing scathing, nothing lasting, nothing horrific. Little pinches, little moments of stickiness, little times someone has explained something to me that they wouldn’t wish on their worst enemy but I wouldn’t mind wishing upon you. Enjoy.
- Having to argue with a restaurant host about a reservation you could have sworn you made but isn’t in their system while your first date stands behind you.
- A painful Chinatown salon foot massage.
- Being constantly mistaken for a felon on the loose.
- Chronically pulling “PUSH” doors.
- A horrible $5 East Village Psychic experience.
- Getting hit on by your therapist.
- Being immune to NyQuil.
- Everyone you say “How are you?” giving you a five-minute, extremely honest answer.
- ^ And every time you are asked the same question and you say, “I’m good” they look at you and go, “No, really, how are you?”
- You can never get the Wordle. If you were given six tries you’d get it every time.
- Debilitating Sunday morning hangxiety for no reason.
- Always walking into rooms and forgetting why you went in there or what you were looking for.
- Being told by multiple people that you would make a “super great Times Square Applebee’s General Manager.”
- Chronic lack of success when thrift shopping.
- Having bad apartment plumbing.
- Having a bad apartment superintendent.
- Getting picked out of the crowd at every single comedy show you go to. Every single one.
- Experiencing an excellent day-drinking to going-out-at-night transition (mid-way point – cutting you some slack, here).
- Being unable to improve at playing pool at bars. Consistently playing horribly.
- Constantly being the only person in your group carded at restaurants and bars.
- A really poor Uber Share experience (Not creepy or sketchy, just annoying).
- Every time you decide to finally open up your umbrella, it stops raining.
- Always getting hit on by the person across the bar who you think is really cute’s friend.
- Always accidentally purchasing sticky, thick mineral sunscreen that rubs in worse than acrylic paint.
- Somehow having a worse carbon footprint than everyone you know and meet.
- Being really good at putt putt, to the point where people hate playing with you and the staff thinks you’re cheating and everyone is annoyed by you.
- Every “No, you hang up!” exchange you try to have ends with you listening to a disconnect tone.
- You and Bluetooth have a terrible relationship.
- You just can’t seem to ever get a handle on the difference between “there” “their” and “they’re.” And you experience this well into your sixties.
- Shoe store employees always guess that your shoe size is a full two numbers larger than what it actually is.
- The adult recreational sports team you registered for doesn’t “click” socially.
- You experience unthreatening but unwavering morning heartburn.
- Marrying someone who belongs to a family that kisses one another on the lips.
Sincerely,
Adele
Now, I don’t necessarily suggest anyone makes a list like I have done. I do ask, however, that the next time you are in a conversation with someone and the phrase “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy” pops into dialogue, you take a moment to think about if you actually agree, and if you think the other person truly believes the words, as well. We have got to take this term back. I have reached a Boy-Who-Cried-Wolf point with the phrase, personally, and I don’t want the same for you.
I apologize for the tardiness and for the negativity. I have a sinus infection. Add that to the list.